Boy, what a day it’s been for all you Kingdom Hearts fans! Earlier this morning, a Square Enix representative bounded onto the stage during Sony’s conference at the annual Tokyo Game Show, shouldered Atsushi Morita out of the way, and (during the stunned silence which followed) announced Kingdom Hearts 2.8: Final Chapter Prologue.
Kingdom Hearts 2.8: Final Chapter Prologue (which I won’t be abbreviating because a name like that deserves to be honoured within its entirety every time it’s mentioned) consists of a HD remaster of 3DS spin off title Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance, a short film titled Kingdom Hearts χ Back Cover and an exclusive “playable episode” that likes to be known as Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth By Sleep -A Fragmentary Passage.
I can hear all of you now, rubbing your legs at the thought of more hot Keyblade on Keyblade action, moistening your lips whilst contemplating which beloved Disney franchises will be invaded by moody teenagers and kids with frighteningly large shoes. It’s an exciting series that has more spin off’s than I’ve had hot dinners (seven), and the thought of more new Kingdom Hearts content that isn’t a numbered sequel has no doubt got you hot under your impractical Japanese collar.
Well, luckily for you, the day of exciting announcements isn’t over, as one of our contacts at Square Enix has this evening sent us a confidential document revealing the names and plot synopses of eight new Kingdom Hearts spin off titles that are set to be released on a variety of platforms over the next four years.
So hold onto your Munny, give Donald Duck a gentle yet knowing pat on his feathery bottom, and get ready to discover what magical Kingdom Hearts adventures Square-Enix have planned for you in the near to distant future.
Kingdom Hearts: Disillusioned Activity Formation
Releasing on PlayStation Vita next February, Kingdom Hearts: Disillusioned Activity Formation is a prequel that charts the origins of the series’ ambiguously aligned group of adversaries, Organisation 13. You will play as Xemnas as he travels across a number of villainously themed worlds, recruiting members for his brand new gang of brooding twenty-somethings.
The game is more of a visual novel than a traditional Kingdom Hearts adventure, focusing more on narrative than other entries in the series. You convince people to join your group via a rhythm based mini-game that utilises all of the Vita’s unique input methods, allowing players to tap, gyrate and twiddle their way to victory. Do you have what it takes to create the ultimate group of misfits who don’t have hearts or souls or… whatever? If you’re one of the three people who own a PlayStation Vita then there’s only one way to find out.
Kingdom Hearts: Transactional Lullaby – Disney Infinity Playset
Eager for a juicy bite of the plump fruit that is toy based video games, Square-Enix have partnered with Disney (gasp!) in order to create a range of Kingdom Hearts figurines for Disney Infinity 3.0.
Releasing next April, the Kingdom Hearts: Transactional Lullaby play set comes packaged with both a Kairi and a Riki figurine. The special, Tetsuya Nomura directed level pack see both beloved characters, as well as fan favourites Donald (figurine sold separately) and Goofy (figurine sold separately) on an adventure to save their world from ghastly invaders, originating from mysterious dimensions. In a surprise twist, the pack allows players to travel to Kingdom Hearts themed Disney levels, within Disney Infinity itself.
Confused? Good! Nomura is reportedly so annoyed that Disney have not only managed to create a better, more profitable cross-over video game series set within multiple, well loved universes within the ten year gap between the release Kingdom Hearts 2 and Kingdom Hearts 3, that his playset actively rebels against the entire concept as a whole. Kingdom Hearts: Transactional Lullaby will supposedly revolve around a fictional corporation that is homogenising and fusing beloved characters together at the expense of quality in order to play on a consumer’s nostalgia in order to generate easy cash. In an ironic and unexpected twist, players can only complete the play set by purchasing the Sora model, sold separately for £34.99 (a higher price than most figurines).
The irony, sadly, will be lost on the swarms of sweaty Tumblr users who will undoubtedly queue outside their local GAME in droves come release day in order to ensure they can get their grubby little mitts on all 126 Kingdom Hearts figurines before some freaking normie child dares to ask their parents for it come Christmas. I bet they don’t even know about the Keyblade wars. Bunch of fucking pricks.
Still, it could be worse. They could be Amiibos.
Kingdom Hearts: Post-modern Existentialism – Tearful Interlude
For the first time ever in Kingdom Hearts history, players will take control of Goofy as he overcomes his greatest challenge yet. Himself.
After meeting a mysterious hooded figure, Goofy is made aware that he is not only contained within a fictional universe, but a sub-set of a fictional universe crossed over with a different fictional universe. His entire existence is merely a delusion, a whimsical scenario created purely for baffled enjoyment.
Goofy (a character plagued by unknown mental deficiencies) is unable to fully comprehend this revelation. Travelling via the game’s titular gummy ship, Goofy stares on in abject horror at the incomprehensible construction of the world he inhabits, consumed by his own inability to process the emotional response to his newly discovered knowledge.
What follows is a 73 hour harrowing insight into the mental breakdown of a character in near constant denial. Breaking away from the binary constraints that once held him back, Goofy partners with Pluto in order to discover what his true purpose in “life” really is. The game primarily consists of picking Goofy back up off the floor as he breaks down (once again) into a heap of fitful tears, placing his hand onto a rainy window as a single tear rolls down his cheek, and staring at blackboards filled with Goofy’s infantile attempts at self realisation.
The final scene sees Goofy confronting the hooded entity that caused all of this. “I’ve chased you down for years,” Goofy manages to choke out, his voice thick with emotion, “Who are you?”. The figure pulls back their hood slowly, revealing themselves to be none other than you, the player. “It is I, Goofy” you whisper, the face and voice acting perfectly captured via days of continuous PlayStation Eye privacy intrusions. “It’s time to let go”.
Goofy nods. He understands now, his purpose in life. There is none. Everything we know is a lie, a fabrication dreamt up by someone we’ll never even meet. Wiping one last tear from his eye, Goofy turns his back on the player. “I’m done crying” he whispers, before he rejoins Sora and the gang a changed, husk of a man.
Or dog. Who the fuck honestly knows.
Kingdom Hearts: Dying Twilight
Kingdom Hearts: Dying Twilight sees Sora, Donald and Goofy trapped within a world themed purely around often forgotten 1985 Disney film, Black Cauldron. Unable to escape, they have to… I dunno, fight this Gypsy woman? I’ve never seen Black Cauldron, so I’m literally just looking at Google images here to try and get a grasp on the story. Is it any good? Is it better than Pete’s Dragon? Is Pete’s Dragon even a Disney film?
Upon escaping, Sora and Co. are also granted the ability to travel to the Bedknobs and Broomsticks world, partake in a Gargoyles themed adventure, and ultimately wrap up their epic quest into the realms of obscurity by fighting their way through the cosmos of Doug’s 1st Movie.
At the end of the game, Sora ponders as to whether he too will one day be lost in the annals of time, destined to be considered nothing more than a blemish on an otherwise impeccable track record. Then he remembers that he’s part of the same franchise that includes Final Fantasy VIII, and figures he’ll probably be OK.
Pete’s Dragon is a Disney movie by the way. I just checked.
Kingdom Hearts: Juvenile Delineation
Tetsuya Nomura, drunk on his own ability to keep fans waiting ten years for a sequel to a game primarily about people hitting each other with massive keys (that incidentally also has Donald Duck in it), took to the stage at this year’s E3 2015 and announced Kingdom Hearts Unchained Key, a mobile spin-off title.
Fans were outraged for approximately thirty seconds, until an actual trailer for Kingdom Hearts 3 was shown. Suddenly, all negativity was washed away in a sea of colour and madness. “Look!” they cried, “there’s Sora! Donald! Goofy, too! This brief glimpse at a vertical slice is exactly what we’ve been waiting nearly a decade for! I’m so high on promises right now, I’m not even bothered about the fact that a game I’ve been waiting since 2005 for is still only being described as ‘in development!'”.
Giddy with delight, Nomura realised that in order to keep fans happy, all he needed to do was caveat shit announcements by simply revealing that Brave or something will feature in the third instalment.
Therefore, Kingdom Hearts: Juvenile Delineation will be an Smart Watch app where the player has to poke heartless in the eye at 12:00PM every day. The storyline is canon, and will be recreated as a 4 hour long cinematic trailer within the Kingdom Hearts: 2.97 – No, really, this is the final chapter now guys don’t worry collection. Both will be released January 2017.
Kingdom Hearts: Globos meos lambe – Effigy Of Silence
Why the hell did I commit to writing eight of these. Its gotten to the point where It’s going to be easier for me to break the fourth wall completely (a cheap trick often employed in these situations in order to generate some semblance of self-deprecatory humour) and just admit that I’ve never even played Kingdom Hearts before. This one’s about… I honestly don’t know. Donald Duck gets hemorrhoids and they all have to travel to the Home on the Range world in order to help him. There. That’ll do.
Fuck me. Eight. I’m an idiot.
Kingdom Hearts: Dream Awakens – Sanction Delight
Sora goes home and visits his Mum. I vaguely remember Sora having a Mum on that weird Island he lived on in the middle of the ocean. That always bothered me, to be honest. How did that society function? There were only like… what, eight houses there? If that? Where did they get food from? Half the island was an obstacle course designed for raft-naming related races, so I doubt they had any farms or anything. Did they work? What did they do? Where did Sora get all those belts and big shoes from if he was so cut off from civilisation? Dis someone make them for him? Did he find them?
Whatever. That’s what this one’s about. Sora’s home island. Next.
Kingdom Hearts: Delicate Destruction
Realising that a remake of Final Fantasy VII is going to make far more money for them as a company than anything with Quasimodo in it, Square-Enix cancel Kingdom Hearts 3. Devastated that he’ll never be able to conclude an epic tale that makes about as much sense as Metal Gear Solid, Nomura will release Kingdom Hearts: Delicate Destruction. A 3DS title, Delicate Destruction is a charming tale about love, friendship and bravery.
Finally put to rest, Nomura bows his head and thanks fans for waiting so long for an instalment to a series with a storyline so utterly baffling that it manages to overshadow iconic Disney characters.
It is all tripe though, isn’t it.
Nobodies. Heartless. Keyblades.
Come on now. It’s been ten years.
Sort yourselves out.